there’s something about asia

it bothers me to no end that when people hear the word “asian”, they immediately think that it has something to do with slanty-eyed people who substitute the letter r for the letter l. case in point: while playing with my cell phone the other day, i came upon a ringtone that was named “asian dream” but sounded vaguely like two chinese cats dying a slow painful death. also, in the movie “mean girls”, which i watched a record three times, thus inducing doubts about my sexuality among my friends, the cliques named “cool asians” and “nerdy asians” both were filled with mongoloids, while the lone indian-american was grouped into the more general “nerds” category.

now, don’t get me wrong. i have no problem with those of mongoloid origin at all. in fact, i know some really nice mongoloid folk, like the japanese guy whose only expressions of emotions are communicated through his eyebrows and forehead, which dance with great vigor when he is angry, or the other guy who i’ve been to approximately 57 meetings with but who has uttered a sum total of 10 words at all those meetings combined.

what i do have a problem with, however, is the categorization of asians to include only these people. in fact, thanks to movies like mean girls, and the many teenage girls and child molesters who watch these movies, i’m concerned that the term “asian” is only being used to refer to a subset of all the diverse peoples of the asian continent.

in my efforts to try and dispel this misperception, here are some facts about some other countries in asia, besides the mongoloid ones:

bangladesh: this country is everybody’s favorite joke, including the natives. having gained independence 34 years ago through a bloody war against pakistan, it seems the people have not lost their lust for blood, thus routinely killing each other for inane reasons. also known as the only country in the world that is under sea level, meaning that by 2010, the entire country may be under water. also home to some of the dumbest people on the planet: on september 11, 2001, i was stopped while driving by a cop because two planes had hit and brought down the world trade center. to this day, i can find no reasonable justification for this cop’s action. oh, and also the most corrupt country in the world, four years running. for more funny facts on bangladesh, talk to a certain mr. michael brockfield.

thailand: although many of the people in this country are mongoloid as well, thailand boasts a rich heritage, composed of dirty old men screwing twelve year old boys on the beaches of chiang mai. also known for cheap pirated software, cheap sunglasses, cheap hookers, and extremely expensive health care when you catch aids from sleeping with cheap hookers.

bhutan: many people have never heard of this country, the only country in the world that does not need a visa to visit, but needs special permission from the king itself. also the only country in the world to ban smoking completely – cigarettes, that is. nobody really knows much about this country, mainly because nobody really cares.

maldives: a group of islands that like to call themselves a country. completely non-committal to everything, they have an army composed of four people, since they can’t even commit to fighting a war.

sri lanka: recently devastated by the tsunami, they’ve began airing ads thanking the world for caring. biggest asset is sri lankan airways, where the air hostesses throw your food tray at your face if they like you, or don’t give you any food otherwise.

myanmar: everyone knows aun sang suu kyii. nobody knows anything else about this country. let’s hope it stays that way.

nepal: home to degenerate hippies of all sizes and colors. consumes more marijuana per capita than all the nations of the world combined. home to what many think is spiritual enlightenment but is actually a glass of old stale everest beer.

india: so many people, so little time. indians give new meaning to the term “fucking like rabbits”. has mountains, rivers, deserts and forests, and information technology skills that cause more and more westerners to lose their jobs. also has the highest percentage of immigrants – if every indian hates it in india and wants to move away, who’s doing all the jobs that are being outsourced? perhaps there’s only one person named ganesh manning a computer terminal, answering your stupid customer support questions while programming the next version of microsoft windows.

so as you can see, there’s a lot more in asia than china, japan and korea. share the wealth and knowledge contained in this post with all your loved ones. you’ll feel automatically smarter for knowing all this crap, i guarantee. or if you don’t, i don’t particularly care anyway.

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