part deux

once in a blue moon, approximately every 3.23 years, my winamp gets in to a good mood, and starts playing good music from amongst my music collection, ignoring all the crap that i download frequently. and before i’m slapped with a warrant, a cease-and-desist order and dragged off to jail to be raped anally by a large muscular man named bubba, i categorically admit that i download music only from this site, which my battalion of lawyers assures me is completely legal in nature. so suck it, cops.

i thought that i might as well conclude the list begun in the previous post, but first, a couple of housekeeping items:

1. in the places list on the left you will find a new site called “vent now!”. this is a new initiative i have begun for frustrated people the world over. basically, it’s a forum where you can vent about absolutely anything at all, or read other people’s vents. please, spread the word about the site. everyone needs to vent, otherwise the world will spontaneously combust from the interior.

2. thank god i didn’t get in to harry potter until about approximately 2 weeks ago. if i had to wait 2 years to find out if harry actually gets laid, i would have shot myself in the head. or preferably someone else. although i have trouble believing that all these hormonal teens go to boarding school and there isn’t more hanky panky going on. i’m sure j.k. rowling will release another book on hogwarts after the seventh book called “hogwarts: the untold story” which talks about ron’s pot smoking, harry’s addiction to masturbation and hermione’s incessant whoring, with snape as her pimp. that would be quite a fun read.

anyway, on with the list:

things i detest about bangladesh (continued):

[side note: it just occured to me that i could go on with this list indefinitely. but, in the interest of time and humor, i’ll try and keep it short this time around.]

7. the heat: i’ve already talked about this here. go read it if you haven’t already.

8. the low visibility of hot women: i fondly remember the last time i saw a hot woman somewhere outside their homes in this country. it was april 6, 1986. of course, i was about five years old, so i didn’t bother to ask her name or get her address or phone number. anyway, since then, it’s been downhill ever since. no hot women visible anywhere, at all. i mean, i’m certain they exist in the country, and only come out for fancy parties that i’m never invited to, primarily because i’m sure i’m too cool to go to said parties. even the prostitutes are really ugly. if i were ever to be approached by one of these whores, i would give them the address of the nearest plastic surgery outfit. i don’t know how the common man in this country ever gets laid, with so much ugliness around them. no wonder the paper bag business is doing so well.

9. corruption: you’d think that a country that was labelled the most corrupt country in the world many years in a row would actually do something about changing it. well, we have. we’ve become even more corrupt, if possible. a friend of mine was trying to start a business, and had to deal with about seventeen different licensing procedures to do so. on one occasion, one civil servant flat out refused to process his file until a suitable bribe had been paid. on another, it was only possible when a distant relative who turned out to be a high-level government official made a phone call to the concerned official, at which point his application was processed at approximately the speed of light. and cops, themselves, live for bribes. if a cop stops you, pull out your wallet, son, because you aren’t getting out of it (whatever your crime might have been: speeding, jaywalking, nudity, sex in public or murder) unless you pay for it. someone needs to form a high level force authorized to shoot people on site for doing dumb things. i would make an ideal member of that force. making me a member of that force would also help solve the overpopulation problem, because i would probably kill nearly 76% of the population in less than a week. stupid fuckers.

10. people’s taste in music: considering the fact that you can get pirated porn from every corner of the world in this country, i figured the same would be true for all kinds of music. boy, was i wrong. the following are a series of conversations i’ve had in music stores over the past two weeks:

store 1
me: do you have any albums from remy zero (my latest addiction)?
shopkeeper: [blank stare]

store 2
me: do you have any albums by tori amos?
shopkeeper: [blank stare]

store 3
me: do you have any good jazz albums?
shopkeeper: [blank stare]

in an attempt to prove my hypothesis was in fact real, i embarked on an experiment:

all stores
me: do you have the latest backstreet boys album?
shopkeeper: [excited] yes, sir, of course. here you go!

at which point i, of course, punched the shopkeeper in the balls for attempting to sell me a backstreet boys album. the nerve of these people!

seriously, people in this country either listen to pop (hindi or english) or alternative/metal, and nothing in between. when not listening to their chosen genre of music, they bash the listeners of the other genres on online forums, which seems to have become a national pastime. the other day, i heard to my great excitement that there was a new funk band in town. i went to a concert of theirs to find out if they were any good, and their definition of funk turned out to be pop music – mainly britney spears – played to reggae beats. meanwhile, they dressed like hippies. i don’t understand these people anymore.

well, i think i’ll end there. i could go on for hours on various issues (internet speeds, spitting, rickshaws etc.), but i don’t want to lose my audience. so instead, here’s

ten things i like about bangladesh, as hard as it may be to believe

1. the monsoon: monsoons rock. especially here. i mean, once the rains start, you know for a fact that there will be no let up for two months. and then it’ll be sunshine until the next monsoon. and the rain is amazing, at least if you’re indoors when it’s raining. if you’re outdoors though, it’s a bitch. my new favorite pastime is sitting on the verandah watching it rain and playing the guitar. yes, i know. i’m extremely deep and sexy and hot. do me now.

2. colorful language: no where else in the world is there such a large vocabulary of curse words. i don’t know who comes up with them, but they deserve some sort of award. the best place to hear curses, both new and old, is in a traffic jam in a rickshaw, and hearing their valuable social commentary on their adjoining vehicle drivers. for your convenience, i have compiled a short dictionary of bengali curses. i don’t know if our friends on the other side of the border use all of these, so please enlighten me.

kutta: dog
khanki: prostitute
magi: prostitute
shuor: pig
shala: wife’s brother. i’m not sure why this is a curse, but it is.
gadha: donkey
madarchod: one who engages in intercourse with their mother
bainchod: one who engages in intercourse with their sister
khanki magi: prostitute prostitute. for really whory people, i guess.
chaat: vagina
baal: pubic hair
chaater baal: vaginal hair. clearly undesirable. probably for people who make you tonguetied.
chudi: fucker
chudir bhai: fucker’s brother. yes, my brother fucks. he has a son, for god’s sake.
khankir pola: son of a prostitute
manger pola: son of a vagina. you have to be quite a bastard to be called this.
manger nati: grandson of a vagina. i don’t even know what you could possibly do to be called this.
kuttar bachcha: son of a bitch. your standard run-of-the-mill insult
shuorer bachcha: son of a pig. huh.
gadhar bachcha: son of a donkey. reserved for the dumb ones.

i give up. i can’t remember any more to list here. but don’t worry: you can easily make your own. just take any word that is vaguely sexual in nature, add the word for a relative of some kind (brother, father, sister, mother, uncle, second cousin twice removed – whatever mood you’re in) and, for added spice, you can add some random adjectives. my rickshaw-puller this evening, who, on average, spouted an invective once every 27 seconds, today came up with one i’ve never heard before: shundor magir nati. for the non-bengalis among you, that means the grandson of a beautiful prostitute. i’m not certain how or why this is a curse, but whatever floats his boat, i guess.

3. piracy: as i said before in this post, you can get absolutely any kind of porn from any where in the world in dhaka. and that’s not all – it’ll be dvd quality as well! therefore, if porn is your thing, this place can be nirvana. other than that, you can watch any hollywood movie abot 53 minutes after it’s released in theatres in the us. the picture quality might not that be good – you may be forgiven for thinking, for example, that a character is actually a tree or a part of the scenery – and with awful audio and very wrong subtitles – so when the character is saying “i love you” the subtitles actually say something more along the lines of “you fucking stupid bitch” – but you can actually claim you watched the movie. comprehension, however, is a different ballgame altogether.

4. it’s a small country, after all: chances are, if you meet someone new, that person is probably the classmate from twelve years ago of the best friend of your sister’s husband’s third cousin. therefore, it’s quite an adventure trying to figure out how you know people. in my office, for example, one of my colleagues is my sister’s friend from university from a village home close to ours, another is a person who was my cousin’s best friend and i played soccer with twelve years ago, another is a friend of an ex-girlfriend, another is a distant grandfather of mine, and another is a complete dick that i thank all my lucky stars that i’m not related to, even remotely.

5. cheap whores: granted, they are ugly as all heck, but, according to the world Sexual Records, they are the cheapest in the universe. apparently you can get one for ten taka, which comes to about 17 cents in US dollars, or about 10 pence in the UK. of course, it’s always a surprise if you engage in intercourse with them, as you don’t know what venereal disease you may end up with. i pray to all the gods in the universe that i’m never sexually frustrated enough to try and find out for myself.

6. the government’s funny as heck: now this is serious. every time the government tries to do something cool and modern, they invariably get stabbed in the back. in order to ease traffic, they installed traffic signals at every major intersection in the capital. when these actually work, they cause more traffic than before, when a dumbass traffic policeman directed traffic manually. then, to further fight traffic, the government built massive flyovers at busy intersections so that one could theoretically bypass the traffic jams. the inevitable result was that the traffic jams extended on to the flyovers. to fight corruption, the government raised salaries of civil servants. immediately, the cost of bribery went up accordingly. i don’t think any other world government exists that can shoot itself in the foot so regularly and with such precision.

7. you can get whatever it is you want: if you are willing and able to pay for it. you can buy absolutely everything, from dvd players (sometimes made by companies named panosanic, sany and sonyo) to drugs (from weed to something called yaba, which i’m pretty certain makes you think you’re fred flintstone if you take it) to activities (bowling to paintball, although the paintball place has run out of paintballs, and the bowling balls and pins have become quite shabby due to overzealous bowlers). but the fact remains, if you want it, you can get it. unfortunately, most times, “it” will not come with a warranty, so you’ll be stuck with a shiny new nakoia cell phone that doesn’t work.

8. dumb people: if the last two muggers were any indication, the average intelligence of the bangladeshi people is decreasing daily, and it’s really funny. a couple of weeks ago, i saw this one guy who was walking down the street like he was the shit, and at one point he fell into one of the many uncovered sewers. therefore, eventually, he did turn out to be the shit. on average, though, the chances that you will see at least 4 people do something really dumb on any given day are very high. if you’re lucky, you won’t be one of the four.

9. parties: as i said before, there are apparently some cool parties here in dhaka every weekend, with international djs coming in and lots of hot dancing women and flowing alcohol. unfortunately, i’m never invited to any of these parties, so i can’t provide you with details. ask someone who knows about this kind of thing.

10. gossip: everyone gossips in bangladesh. about everyone else. it’s a vicious cycle, i know, but there’s no way to get out of it. most times the gossip is quite juicy and fun to listen to. however, i have learnt that the best gossip i’ve ever heard is generally about me, propagated by my family. of course, they never tell me these things directly, so i end up hearing bits and pieces from various sources, most usually my sister-in-law, who they all confide in, and who subtly tries to find out if the rumors have any hint of truth in them. thankfully, my sister-in-law visits once a year, and i know for a fact that each of these visits will be laden with more juicy morsels about me. somethings i heard during this last visit about myself were:

a. i’m dating my best friend’s sister: isn’t that incest? i would never date a friend’s sister, because then the friend would take every opportunity to give me a guilt trip, claiming i was only his friend because of his sister. maybe if the girl was hot, and the guy was really a dick. hmm.
b. i’m addicted to heroin: i wear t-shirts half the time i see my family, and wear half-sleeve shirts about 40% of the remaining time. if i wear really a junkie, don’t they think my arms would closely resemble the surface of the moon? and if i were simply inhaling it, wouldn’t i be more stoned all the time? but no, no matter how sober i am, they are convinced i’m on drugs. i’ve offered to take drug tests at random intervals to prove them wrong, but they keep refusing. i guess once you believe something, it’s hard to let it go.
c. i murdered someone: now this is just preposterous. i admit, i have a raging temper, but if i were capable of murder, i wouldn’t stop at just one person. in fact, as i stated above, a majority of the people of bangladesh would be in grave mortal peril. so far, all the dumbasses seem to still be alive and wildly propagating their seed, so clearly i am not a murderer.
d. i have a very active sex life: now this is clearly the funniest thing i have ever heard in my life. if only my family were more liberal than they are, i would tell them exactly how sexually frustrated i am. apparently the proof behind this theory of theirs is that they have never found any porn in my room or on my computer. well, now. congratulations, sherlock. apparently it hasn’t crossed their mind that maybe i don’t watch porn. but no. a young man who doesn’t watch porn must be having hot passionate sex every day.

on reflection, i must admit that the person my family thinks i am is infinitely cooler than the person i really am. maybe in a parallel universe, i really am those things. someone please tell me how to get to this parallel universe. now.

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