dumb and dumber

this evening, i got mugged yet again.

[for my two readers: don’t worry, i’m still alive. no stabbing this time around.]

whereas the first time around, all i felt was utter shock and disbelief, this time around i felt a whole gamut of emotions, including humour, pride, disbelief and sympathy. before i elaborate, i must admit that the first time around, the entire operation was reminiscent of a swat team: they were in, they did their business, and they were out. this time around, i was confronted by possibly two of the dumbest idiots around, and that is why i felt so many emotions.

first of all, today was ugly shirt day. due to the monsoon and the maid who refuses to wash clothes if there is a single cloud in the sky, i was forced to wear the ugliest shirt i ever owned to work. in addition, i haven’t shaved in a week, and therefore look quite grotesque. ideally, no one would want to mug me, because i did not look my best. finally, it being the end of the month, i had limited funds – all i had in my wallet was 100 bucks (for those of you unfamiliar with our currency, that’s somewhere near $1.50).

ideally, then, no self-respecting mugger would think of mugging me. however, the ones i was faced with had a whole range of psychological problems themselves, and did not mind telling me about them in depth during the mugging. clearly, not only do i attract psychopathic women to me like a magnet, i also attract psychopathic people of all callings, whether it be legal or illegal.

having stopped my rickshaw, which basically involved swerving in front of it, since the rickshaw-puller was of an age approximately equal to that of gandalf, they stepped off their own rickshaw and surrounded me on both sides. now, you’re thinking, i’m sure, that this was done in a dark alley, with no lights and nobody around. wrong. they did it on a main street, in the middle of town, with a lot of traffic on both sides. of course, expecting someone to stop and assist would be asking too much of the fuckers that inhabit this country. however, the best part was that they mugged me right under a brilliant flood-light, which, presumably was put there to prevent muggings. no matter.

the bright light allowed me to recognize the two idiots as people who live in my neighbourhood. now, the one on my right was the intelligent one, whereas the one on the left was a complete dumbass. the smart one started shaking my hand, and inadvertently drew my hand towards his waist, apparently to show me that he had a gun. good for him. and then he began telling me of his troubles, beginning with an abusive dad who ran away, leaving his poor mother and him alone, meaning that he hasn’t been able to eat anything in about 724 days. while i bought none of this crap, the summation to his tale of woe was the fact that he wanted to eat some mishti, and by some remarkable coincidence, he decided that i would be the one to fund his culinary adventure. meanwhile, dumbass on my left kept mouthing random death threats, all of which i presume were meant to be scary, but none of which really were. the conversation ran something like this:

me: so how much do you need?
intelligent one (io): about 500 bucks.
dumbass (da): …i swear, we’ll shoot you in so many places, but nobody will come to your aid…
me: but i don’t have 500 bucks…
io: how much do you have?
me: about a 100
io: well, if we find 500 on you…
da: …we’ll cut you open from your throat to your stomach, and you’ll die of bleeding before you get to a hospital [keep in mind, this was right in front of a hospital] me: you won’t. see? [pull out my wallet, and show them the few notes in there] io: [taking the hundred buck note] okay, i believe you. what’s your mobile number?
da: …i swear, we’ll gut you alive etc. etc….
me: i don’t have a mobile [see later for clarification] io: are you sure? let me check. [searches my pockets, finds no mobile] da: etc. etc. etc.
io: fine, i believe you. now go.
da: and if you tell anyone, we’ll find you in your room and etc. etc. etc.

and so i left.

now, the reason i didn’t have my mobile on me today was because it’s been acting funky, and wasn’t charging properly. so i left it at home, and on this one day that i don’t have it on me, these fuckers decide to rob me.

now, i know for a fact that all they wanted was some money to buy drugs. the amount of money they got from me wouldn’t buy them even half a bottle of anything. and they didn’t get a cell phone off of me. so therefore, their net earnings = 100 bucks. of course, when i came home, i sent the cops to their houses to arrest them, so in reality, their net earnings = time in jail.

so, was it really worth it?

but seriously, law and order in this city is a mess, and someone needs to start teaching people civic responsibility.

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