damn you, hellspawn

piracy rocks. how else would someone in my remote corner of the world be able to listen to an album that came out yesterday? the internet is amazing, if you know what you are looking for.

case in point: last week, my boss ordered me to write a speech for him on giuseppe mazzini, a famous (?!) nineteenth century italian writer and politician who, if i saw him on the street today, i would punch in the balls. for source material, my boss gave me a fifty-four page paper (single-spaced) on the dude, and, to top it all off, he gave me a two hour deadline. i spent the first hour trying to get past the first paragraph, which was so mindnumbingly boring that i could actually feel my brain cells turn off one at a time as i nearly passed out. fortunately, good sense prevailed, and i googled the name, and then cut and pasted from the first website that came up. and then i just made up the following random bullshit:

“What lessons can we learn from the life of Mazzini? Perhaps the most important lesson that Mazzini can teach us is the importance of patriotism. Mazzini’s single-minded and selfless dedication to his country and people, along with his heroic efforts for uniting and liberating Italy, are truly values that are rare in today’s world, and should be the fundamental beliefs of every politician. Mazzini’s life also shows us the importance of dedication. Mazzini had a clear vision – the liberation and unity of Italy under a democratic government – and he continued to fight for this vision even after Italy was united under a monarchy. Finally, Mazzini’s life expresses the importance of unity in the world. In today’s world, it is increasingly important for all nations and peoples to unite to support each other. This is truly a wonderful ideal, and a great goal to strive for.”

needless to say, my boss was truly enamored of the speech, and almost loved me for it – an emotion that i was certain he was incapable of feeling. but the above is pure, unadulterated crap. it could not possibly be more crappy had it fallen out my rectum. i was going to throw in some crap about the eu constitution (this was before the french referendum) but i didn’t.

in addition, i have written several speeches for a highly placed government official in the past few months, all of which have received praise, or so i am told. the fun thing about all these speeches is that they all said precisely the same thing: all the speeches were drawn from this one powerpoint presentation, and i just changed the order of appearance of the contents of the slide every time. it seems, however, that the concerned official has never caught on to the fact that she is, essentially, saying exactly the same thing every single time, just in different combinations. however, as long as she is oblivious, her office keeps calling me to write her a speech every single time she has a meeting on my project. i worry though, about what will happen when i run out of combinations. i wish i had paid more attention in my statistics classes, so i could actually figure out how many combinations are possible with fifteen powerpoint slides.

but enough talking about work. i would like to proudly announce to the world, through the magical connecting powers of the internet, that i am now the most recent holder of the record for the world’s shortest relationship. actually, i’m surprised it actually lasted three days. although i have learnt a valuable lesson: apparently i bring out the neuroses in women i date. this one waited a whole three days to tell me that she could not date me because she had lost all faith in men after finding out her father was cheating on her mother. although i cannot verify the integrity of the story, i’m glad that chapter is over almost as fast as it began. i was extremely drunk when i asked her out (see post about mixing drinks) and all i remembered the next morning was that i had asked someone out, just not whom. imagine my surprise when i got a call from the person the next morning, although i quickly remembered that i had given the person i had asked out my business card, which has my cell phone number on it. but anyway, that’s history.

anyway, i’m not going to let this get me down. not in the least. i am still a macho, attractive, extremely sexy man, and i know my virility and sexual prowess is renowned the world over. if you are a fantastically beautiful woman with any resemblance to aishwariya rai/keira knightley/lindsey lohan, feel free to drop me a line/send me an email/show up at my doorstep magically, and i will show you the wonders of the kama sutra, or at least those that i remember from that temple in nepal. and i promise, i will not attempt any of the positions that involved sticks.

happily, in my moment of misery due to this unceremonious dumping, which lasted approximately 0.0692 seconds, i was adopted by one of the three stray cats that live in my house. now, every day when i come home from work, i find this cat sitting by the stairs, waiting to be petted. and every morning, when i wake up, i find this cat curled up on my bed. now this is a miraculous thing. first of all, due to the vampires that prowl this region, i am forced to sleep under a mosquito net, and due to the intense heat/humidity, i sleep with all the windows closed and the air conditioner on full blast. yet, somehow, this cat makes its way into my room every morning.

in an attempt to discover the path of entry of the cat and to block it to dissuade further entry, i rearranged all the furniture in my room, but could not find any holes in the wall. not one. so then i did what was only natural: i rearranged the furniture again. after about seventeen different rearrangements, i have still been unable to find the path of entry, although i must admit that i am now a great deal more muscular. seriously. my bed weighs a fucking ton. as does my bookshelf.

perhaps next time i should remove the books from the shelf before attempting to move it around. there’s a thought. hmmm.

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