an evening with violet smoke 2

kozmo lounge – 5th march, 2007
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edit: As requested by Prufrock, here’s the set list:

Originals:
Alo
Brishti
Chaya
Kolpona
Ohomika
Sporsho
Khelaghor
Shobuj
Opshora

Covers:
Coldplay – Fix You
Coldplay – Trouble
U2 – Walk On
Audioslave – Like a Stone
Maroon 5 – She Will Be Loved
Chris Isaak – Wicked Game
Seal – Kiss From A Rose
Goo Goo Dolls – Black Balloon
Warfaze – Ekti Chele
Nickelback – Hero

so much for farewells

i’ve tried really hard to say goodbye to blogging, and i’ve tried to shut off that chapter of my life for the rest of my life. i’m even busier now than i used to be, but still i find myself constantly wishing i had the creative outlet that is eLeCtRikbLuEs available for the frequent memory dumps that i now enjoy.

and so i’ve returned, albeit very infrequently most probably, to the world of blogging.

this reincarnation of the blog will be very limited to friends and other people i actually know. as a result, the crap on this blog is going to get increasingly crappier and maybe even more emotional. but i’ve given up trying to be a fantastic blogger. i forgot along the way, somehow, that i wasn’t blogging for fame or accolades, but merely to preserve my own sanity. it’s time i returned to that frame of mind again.

welcome back to the journey that is eLeCtRiKbLuEs.

goodbye

the first post on this site dates back to february 2, 2005. but my first ever blog post dates back to march, 2000, which today seems like an eternity ago. for the past seven years, i’ve written random stuff that entered my head, and i hope you’ve all enjoyed it.

however, 2007 hasn’t turned out to be a good year at all. in the past three months, i’ve buried 3 uncles and 1 close friend, and these are some of the shocks that i haven’t yet managed to get over. at the same time, i’ve been supremely busy with work and classes, and can’t seem to spare the time to blog anymore. most of all, i seem to have lost the muse that started me blogging in the first place. and so i’ve decided that it’s time for me to retire from being a blogger.

the decision wasn’t an easy one to make – this blog was a very valuable platform for me share my thoughts, emotions and writing, and it’s paid off over time. i’ve made some very good friends over the course of the past few years, and these are relationships that i’ve truly savoured. so thank you all for reading, and i hope i was able to entertain you.

jonotar moncho

i just realized i haven’t posted anything in a month. that’s because, with all the politicians claiming that they speak for the masses, i’m pretty sure somewhere or the other my viewpoints on politics are captured. thus, the last post was the sad demise of my political blogging career. now i can go back to writing absolute crap again. whoopee.

but seriously, no more politics discussions. i quit. i’m fed up and am giving up. from now on, this blog will be mostly my own stories and other crap that occasionally falls out of my brain.

also, if you’ve recently posted a comment and it hasn’t shown up, i apologize. this blog’s comments have recently been overrun by spam, to the point where i get up to 100 spam comments a day. thanks to wordpress and akismet, i haven’t had to manually delete each spam comment, but if your comment somehow got marked as spam, it’s been lost forever. if you have something really urgent to tell me, email me at eb at electrikblues dot com. contrary to public opinion, i do check that email once in a while, so i’ll get your message.

adios for now. see you again at the end of this week.

disruption

those of you who know me personally (and possibly even those who’ve been stalking me online) know well that one of my favorite hobbies in life is to complain incessantly about how much i hate my job. despite my frequent expressions of disgust at the concept of me working where i work, i’ve somehow managed to work there for two whole years. this is quite unlike me, in that in general my attention span is equivalent to that of a grasshopper on ecstasy, and that i’ve never been known to be anywhere for any long period of time.

however, i am pleased to announce that i have finally taken the monumental step of quitting my job, or rather the unnecessary informality of giving my one month’s notice. i must admit that those of you who have never done so have no idea what you are missing. the euphoric high induced by the sudden burst of freedom gives one quite a buzz. and so i’ve been drifting along with that buzz for the past two days. any moment now, i expect reality to sink in, and therefore induce a panic attack brought on by anxiety regarding what i should be doing with the rest of my life, as well as the imminent loss of income and the inability to pay the outrageous monthly gas bills that are incurred by my brooding and venomous automobile.

as such, i’ll be spending the next few days in deep meditation and soul-searching, trying to determine the direction in which my life is headed given my recent actions. as a result, i’m afraid my already irregular posting may become even more irregular. however, given the amount of free time that i will soon be privy to, the disruption may not last very long.

in the meantime, here are a few personal messages for specific readers:

prufrock: best of luck in your new job. hope that the transition isn’t too rough. am still planning a trip to cal for that biriyani you promised me over a year ago!

photoholic: there really is no reason for you to post anonymous messages. i already know who you are.

zn: stop reading my old posts! or at least stop judging me by them!

everybody else: when i return, there will be lots more fun. and yes, i promise there won’t be any more mention of elephant excreta.

please stay tuned. regular transmission will resume shortly.

nominee

nomineeit turns out that i’ve been nominated for best bangladesh blog q1 2006/2007. i must admit that this is quite a pleasant surprise. however, i don’t think i have much chance of winning or progressing beyond the first round, mainly because the competition is extremely tough and are blogs that are worlds better than mine. here are the rest of the nominees – i suggest you check them out as they are all quite amazing blogs.

congratulations to all of my fellow nominees!

an ode to someone i don’t think i’ll ever know

we’re like two sailors marooned on a plush abandoned isle, you and i. instead of being content with the peace that we could enjoy on the island, we keep venturing out into the cold, turbulent waters, in a hope that it’ll be the solution to all our problems. we both know that this is not where we want to be right now, that we’re marooned on this island, but for some reason the turmoil of the ocean seems to provide more of an incentive than the peace of adjusting to our new home.

but is new the correct word? we’ve been perched on the thin line between conflict and happiness for over seven years now, and although we’ve frequently fallen off on to the side of conflict multiple times since, we’ve now arrived at this uncomfortable truce, this balancing act that we must maintain to ensure we don’t fall off again into one of our epic conflicts.

why, though, do we need this balancing act in the first place? why can’t we reconcile ourselves to trying to at least be happy? why do we insist on blaming each other for being in this situation in the first place, when clearly it was always beyond our control? why do we keep poking at this uneasy truce, trying to incite a fight, especially since it comforts neither of us?

i wonder if it would have been different if we hadn’t been separated by this gulf of age – these countless angry years that lie between you and me. fifty is a lot of years of history and experience that you’ve gained that i can only hope i have when i’m your age, and it’s also a long enough time for the entire world to have changed before your eyes many times over, so that those habits of mine that you wouldn’t even have considered at my age are actually normal. yet, while these are things that we tell everyone else to explain why you and i walk this thin tightrope day after day, they are things we haven’t ever been able to appreciate ourselves, and so they serve as a convenient facade to society to explain away our differences.

i think a lot about what i will do when you die. let’s face it, the time is near. you’ve lived a long, full life, but our heredity and life expectancy and other related factors don’t present a very reliable possibility of you living to be the world’s oldest living man. yet, perhaps, you could, in fact, do it. you pulled yourself out of a very modest family background to rise to the pinnacles of power in this country, and had your age not interfered and your ambitions not been dashed, you may have had the power you’ve always desired. so nothing is truly impossible for you. but while death may be a welcome last chapter in that autobiography you’ve been writing for ages, it does impose certain responsibilities upon my shoulders. and i’ve been trying to figure out how i feel about accepting those responsibilities in the first place.

for the longest time, i thought that i wouldn’t be sad if you died. that i would somehow get through to the societal obligations that are incumbent upon me, and move on to a different chapter of my life. for a very long time, i was convinced that your death would not elicit a single tear from me, that i could just deal with it and move on. but i haven’t been able to do that with the death of one parent already, so what makes me so sure?

i was wondering if, seven years down the line, i would be able to remember the sound of your voice. i realized recently that i can no longer remember the exact sound of my mother’s voice anymore, even though that was the soundtrack to most of my youth. and that disturbed me greatly. will it also be the case after you’re gone? more importantly, what words of yours will i remember when you’re gone? will i remember the sparse compliments that you bestowed upon me, or the frequent abuse that hurled from your lips over most of the past seven years? will i remember the cringing feeling that i feel now that foretells when you are about to send more hurt in my general direction? or will i feel nothing, knowing that your words are dead and buried with you and can no longer hurt me?

while i’ve been thinking about your eventual death a lot over the past few months, the sheer possibility of it struck me with full force only recently. it happened when we were having dinner one night, sitting in front of the evening news broadcast as usual. when the prime minister was shown loudly proclaiming in one of her recent election speeches the successes of her government over the past five years, you started yelling back at the image on the television about how everything she was saying was a lie, and how the nation was worse off than before. lately, with the election drawing near, the frequency of such speeches has increased, and with it our dinner time conversations have degraded into a yelling match between you and the loud television over the state of the nation.

initially, i thought of this as an interesting insight into how a person who was once in a position of power deals with retirement or withdrawal from that position; how every thing could have been better if he had only been in the same position. but then i realized that it’s a bit a too late for that. you haven’t been in a position of power in fifteen years, and had this yelling match been just a reaction to withdrawal from the addiction of power, it would have developed much earlier, because the downward economic trends aren’t a recent phenomenon.

instead, i was confronted by the brutal signs of your downward spiral into senility. coupled with outbursts against the government, the opposition, the police, the politicians and the people of this country, you’ve also recently had violent outbursts on the topics of israel and america. while i was initially relieved that your pent-up frustration was being spent on a medium that couldn’t answer back rather than on me, i slowly began to worry. although others may claim that your reactions are valid given the current state of affairs in the world, my interest on this issue has caused me to gain sudden interest in other aspects of your life that have given me more reason to worry. from your recent insistence that everyone agree with your stance on things, your inability to remember anything, to your trying to teach your hate and pass on your anger to your grandchildren, to your sudden irrational urges to close all your bank accounts and collect your savings, only to invest them in new accounts, i have to admit that you are getting more and more difficult to understand. all these traits are recent developments that never were so glaringly obvious before. perhaps i am to blame for not noticing, but if your recent activities and emotional imbalances were present before, i would have noticed them.

the reason all this bothers me now is because i don’t want to see you sink deeper and deeper into a human mess of senility, misplaced emotions and lost memories, mainly because it’s not fair to you or to those around you. throughout my lifetime, and the lifetimes of many of the people who know and admire you today, you were always in a position of power. you were always strong, caring, confident, dependable and conscientious, always acting in a manner that would ensure that nobody ever came to any harm. you were always the rock that everyone could depend on, and you were the strength for others when they had no other strength to rely on. nobody has any memories of you as a person who was not always fully in control of every situation, and therefore it’s not fair for their memory of you to see you in this state of despondency that you are slowly sinking into. everyone you know needs to believe that you won’t just fade away, but perhaps just disappear, leaving behind a host of happy memories.

but, i guess, i need to believe this more than anyone.

i wish i could stop your slow descent into insanity. i wish we could have conversations over dinner again, even if most of them disintegrated into a brutal exchange of insults in the past. i wish i could turn back the hands of time so that we could start over and would never have to end up where we are now. i wish i could stop feeling burdened by the weight of this secret that everyone knows. i wish i could learn to take what you have to say objectively, instead of flaring up at each and every comment. i wish i could actually understand your reasoning behind your actions, and stop considering them as betrayals. i wish i could stop taking my own anger and frustrations out on you. i wish i could stop blaming you for everything that’s gone wrong, and stop you blaming me for the same things. i wish i could learn to appreciate the things you do and sacrifices you make for me. i wish i could spend more time with you, not fighting, not shouting, but actually talking. i wish i could learn to open up to you and tell you what’s on my mind. i wish i could identify with your thoughts, your feelings, your desires. i wish i could learn to be proud of you. i wish we could be a family together again. i wish i could learn to call this house home again. i wish i could tell you i love you and actually mean it.

i don’t think we’ve ever gotten to know each other well enough – after all, we started trying way too late. and i guess that has been my main failing as your son – not getting to know you well enough, and not letting you get to know me either. but it’s too late for that now. we’ve both done things to hurt each other, and had our relationship been anything else other than father and son, it would have been damaged irreparably by now. but we’re stuck with one another, and i guess the least i can do is at least try to understand you better.

maybe that’s the only way we can convert this uneasy truce into permanent peace and happiness.

going home

right, i’m sure all of you have been wondering when mobileBangladesh was going to be updated. well, i’m proud to announce that the site has finally been updated (which means i’ve finally stopped procrastinating).

the latest pictures are from bogra, where we visited a seventh century buddhist temple, and from bagerhat, my ancestral village home where i returned after almost ten years. to see the pictures, click here.

problem

it turns out that, with this sexy new look, the comments section isn’t working well. possible solutions that i am trying:

1. learning php to figure out why the hell you can’t submit comments.
2. disabling comments altogether
3. changing the look to something else
4. shooting the monitor and/or cpu

given that option 1 is extremely time consuming, and 4 can do some irreversible damage and get me fired, i’m looking at options 2 and 3. however, neither option is very attractive to me right now. as much as i initially whined about it, i’ve grown accustomed to the mating ladybirds, and i’m not certain they are as bad as i originally thought they were. except for the fact that the ones at the bottom are mating, and are therefore in the process of getting more action than i have gotten in years.

so that would leave disabling comments. which would suck, because, as we all know, i thrive on prufrock’s acerbic comments about my posts.

in the meantime, you should all have my email address by now, so email away.