well, thank god. another eid come and gone.
it’s funny. when i was much younger, eid was always like “eid!!!”. then i got to middle school, and eid became “eid!”. then high school and college came around, and it turned into “eid?”. and now, it’s turned into “@^&*&@#* eid”. sad. i’ve grown too old for this crap.
one thing changed this eid, though: generally, most of the 90392148293842 residents of dhaka migrate back through the netherworlds they came from to celebrate eid, leaving the city empty, clean and somewhat bearable. this time around, it seems like they invited their other 30984092384 relatives to the city to celebrate the occasion, thus resulting in worse traffic, pollution, dirt, and a significantly larger population of ugly people.
i also noticed that, this eid, all the cool guys started driving their dad’s expensive cars, put some funky rap in the cassette player, placed their girlfriends in the passenger seat, and made out with them at every stop light. being the nonconformist and strict setter of fashion that i am, i promptly took out my dad’s expensive car, turned on some folk music live off the radio, put my dad in the passenger seat, and proceeded to ferry him around the city, visiting random mind-numbingly boring relatives. and no matter how boring said relatives were, my father found a way to make the conversation even more boring, resulting in a tremendous urge on my part to get severely drunk. if there exists a quota for the amount people are allowed to talk in a given period of time, i think my father’s way over quota for the rest of the twenty-first century, just based on the amount of talking he’s done these past four days.
in other sad news, this eid has definitely provided further proof to my theory that dhaka is severely lacking in hot girls. refusing to spend yet another day masturbating, i went out and hit all the trendy and cool spots in town. now, there’s no reason to be shocked by this sudden spurt of social activity on my part – after all, there are only a sum total of 3 places that count as trendy and cool spots. anyway, after being severely disappointed at each of the first two spots, i found my way to an ice cream parlor where one particularly good-looking female was seated.
unfortunately, the illusion of good-lookingness lasted for a sum total of 8.4 seconds – the time it took for the girl’s order to arrive. after which period of time, she started to digest the food product. now, there are approximately 76 ways to eat an ice cream cone, of which 75 are sexy. however, as luck would have it, this girl chose to eat her ice cream in the only completely unsexy way: she unfurled a tongue the size of long island and proceeded to lick the ice cream without closing her mouth even once.
and so i ran home and spent a couple of hours throwing up into the toilet.
of course it wasn’t all bad. at the end of the last month, when i was in a tremendous fiscal crisis which almost spurred me to whore myself out to raise money for gas, my office gave me an eid bonus. now, this is the thing about my job that pisses me off the most. everytime i decide that i’ve had enough and i’m about to quit, they do something nice. last time around it was a mobile phone, the time before that it was a promotion and a raise, and now it’s a bonus amounting to half my salary. stupid fuckers.
of course all good spawns some evil. i quickly realized that i was expected to pay the huge battalion of peons, janitors and guards at the office a bonus for their hard work, not to mention the eager palms extended at home by my driver, maid and guard. in order to decide what amount would be satisfactory for each of the individuals involved, my colleague and i sat down and arrived at a complex mathematical formula:
bonus amount = 4a^3 + 3x^2 + (7y^4 – 6b^9) – 8z
a= number of cups of tea they’ve given us over the past year
x= amount of work they’ve done for us over the past year
y= number of sexual favors they’ve given us.
b= venereal diseases that resulted from y
z= number of times they’ve hinted that we should give them a bonus.
of course, seeing as i haven’t had any forms of sex for an eternity – almost long enough for me to regain my virginity, in fact – the y-factor was missing in all bonuses that were eventually paid.
the last straw, however, was that i was expected to go and visit all the relatives of my forcibly-betrothed-fiance (fbf for short). it was at this point that i truly began to loathe arranged marriages. not only do i have to visit my own seemingly endless list of boring relatives, but i also have to add on an entire set of equally boring relatives of the girl to visit and make friends with and impress and pretend to be interested in.
on the bright side, i finally managed to meet this girl i’m supposed to marry, and she isn’t completely unhot. but – she has a shitload of relatives. half of whose names i don’t even remember.
i’m now weighing the options of the ways available for me to convince this girl to break off the engagement. which initiative, if successful, will earn me the world record for the number of fiances who have dumped me.
next eid, i want an uzi.