test la vie

i’ve noticed that a lot of bloggers like to put up results of random tests on their blogs. while i could not be bothered to take a test to find out if i’m good in bed (i already know i am) or which female harry potter character i’m most sexually compatible with (mmm hermione), i thought i’d put together a few tests on my own for all of you who like to take them.

these tests range from easy to somewhat hard. so take your time, and make sure you don’t cheat. after all, the answers are right after the tests themselves. not only would that be dishonest, but it would also wear away the fragile meaning of life. not for me, though. enjoy!

the “would the author of electrik blues bang you?” test

1. do you completely resemble any of the following celebrities:

  • aishwariya rai (1 point)
  • keira knightley (1 point)
  • lindsay lohan (0.5 points)
  • emma watson (0.5 points)
  • pee wee herman (0 points)

answer key:

  • 1 point: i think i love you. you’re the one i’ve been waiting for all my life. contact me by phone, fax, email, skype, google or whatever your chosen method of communication, because not only do i want to bang you, i also want to marry you. and it won’t be banging. it’ll be sweet loving all night long, baby!
  • 0.5 points: while you are beautiful and sexy, i don’t think i can call you either of those terms for another 1 or 2 years. when you are of legal age, see the above answer.
  • 0 points: get away from me, you creep. argh!

see, now that wasn’t so hard, now was it? now on to the tougher stuff.

the “what kind of electrik blues reader are you?” test

1. how did you find this site?

  • clicked on a link on a comment on some other blog (2 points)
  • clicked on a link on some other blog’s blogroll (2 points)
  • got the link from me (2 points)
  • searched the web for any of the following terms: whore, sex, fuck, prostitute, pubic hair, cockroaches, breasts, horny, sister in law etc. (1 point)

2. what is your ideal pet?

  • dog (2 points)
  • horse (2 points)
  • snake (2 points)
  • iguana (2 points)
  • pussy, and i don’t mean the feline variety (1 point)

3. how often do you masturbate?

  • less than once a day (2 points)
  • at least once a day (1 point)

4. do you watch porn?

  • yes (0 points)
  • yes (0 points)

bonus: for a bonus two points, name the last porn you watched.

5. do you solemnly swear that you are up to no good?

  • not really (2 points)
  • the only thing i like about harry potter is the hot girl-on-girl action (1 point)

answer key:

  • greater than 6 points: congratulations! you are a victim of my massive publicity blitz and ad campaign! had i been a little less lazy, i would actually have made one of those cool banner ads and threatened my friends with anal rape if they didn’t put it on their sites. however, all i’ve actually done is post some comments on some blogs i read, and weasel my way into a few blogrolls. failing that, i’ve assaulted people on instant messengers with constant repetitions of the link itself. whatever the reason, the important thing is that you are here now, and that i’ve conquered yet another mind on my quest for global domination!
  • less than or equal to 6 points: congratulations! you belong to the horny pervert category! you join the esteemed rank of 5 other folks who’ve found this site by entering random sexually-oriented phrases in your nearest search engine, and had the patience to weed through millions of pages of what i am positive is quality porn to find this one website that does not make you horny in any way, shape or form! you deserve to be shot in the head, and if you are unwilling to do that to yourself, i will gladly do it for you. if, however, you scored any points on the first test above, i am available by phone, fax, email, skype, google and every other method of communication ever devised to satisfy your needs. in which case you are no longer a horny pervert, but rather the love of my life.

there. now i hope you’ve all learnt something important about yourselves.

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