hasina, khaleda, ershad, badruddoza, nizami appointed caretaker advisers

in a political development that stunned the people of bangladesh, dr. fakhruddin ahmed, the newly appointed chief adviser of the caretaker government, today announced that the heads of the five major political parties in bangladesh had been appointed as the remaining five advisers of the caretaker government.

dr. ahmed, in his first speech to the nation, declared that, since it seemed that everybody in bangladesh was politically aligned, the only way left to create a non-party and neutral caretaker government was to include the heads of the five major political parties in bangladesh in an attempt to appease all of them at the same time.

“i think that this is a monumental step in the history of bangladesh,” said dr. ahmad in his televized address. “the five new advisers can now advise the caretaker government and myself openly and in public, without having to do so secretly, thus avoiding criticism and allegations of political bias.”

dr ahmed in his speech further stated that he expected the appointments to be a breakthrough in the political stalemate that has arisen in bangladesh today. “hasina and khaleda have reportedly not spoken to each other in fifteen years. well, now they don’t have much of a choice,” he added.

reaction of appointees

in an instant reaction, sheikh hasina wazed, chairperson of the awami league called the decision a disgrace and mockery of the constitution. “this is just another ploy by the bnp-jamaat alliance to engineer the next elections,” she said. “i thereby immediately demand that i step down from the position of adviser to the caretaker government. in the event that i do not comply with the demand, i warn the caretaker government that the jonota will take to the streets to support my demand for my immediate resignation,” she added, before lapsing into epileptic fits and episodes of speaking in tongues.

hussain md. ershad, former president of bangladesh and chairman of jatiya party, reacted to the news by arriving at the bangabhaban for the inauguration and oath-taking of the advisers, only to be sent home disappointed due to the news that there was, in fact, no oath-taking scheduled.

another former president of bangladesh, badruddoza chowdhury, chairman of the liberal democratic party (ldp), reacted by organizing a press conference at the ldp office in baridhara in dhaka. however, he did not appear at the press conference since he had been murdered by an increasingly jealous colonel (retd.) oli ahmad, [insert random useless title here] of his party, for repeatedly stealing ahmed’s thunder and spotlight.

on the other hand, bnp president begum khaleda zia welcomed the announcement. however, she warned, “the constitution does not specifically mention hasina’s name in the section regarding caretaker government advisers, and so this may very well be another attempt by the mohajote to violate the constitution. therefore, i simultaneously accept and reject the proposal,” she said.

meanwhile, ameer of jamaat-i-islami matiur rahman nizami hesitated to convey his reaction to the announcement to journalists, stating that he had to go meet and subsequently bad-mouth diplomats first, whereas our correspondent found him on the telephone to khaleda zia, frantically asking her what his reaction should be.

reaction of president

in response to the announcement, dr. iajuddin ahmed, president and former chief adviser, went back to bed with a headache, but not before signing an order declaring a “state of extreme and utter emergency” in bangladesh for the first time in its history. in response, dr. sufiya rahman, former caretaker adviser, rushed to the bangabhaban to tend to iajuddin’s headache, echoing the only important thing that she did during her tenure as adviser.

portfolios of advisers

our bangabhaban correspondent adds, the portfolios for the five advisers have already been selected by the president and the chief adviser to the caretaker government. the ministries have been divided among the advisers based on their respective fields of expertise, as indicated in the bangabhaban gazette notification below:

matiur rahman nizami: ministry of home affairs (for his excellent experience subverting police investigations into religious extremists), ministry of foreign affairs (for his excellent relationships with foreign diplomats in bangladesh).

sheikh hasina: ministry of religious affairs (for her excellent work with the khatme nabuat movement, ministry of youth and sports (for her expertise in developing extracurricular activities like hartals and oborodhs for the young)

hussain md. ershad: ministry of science, information and communication technology (for his expertise in biological, age-defying experiments)

badruddoza chowdhury: ministry of information (for his skill in organizing press conferences)

khaleda zia: ministry of power, energy and mineral resouces (for her skill in destroying the power infrastructure of an entire country in the span of five years), ministry of local government and rural development and ministry of communications (so she can figure out what exactly abdul mannan bhuiyan and nazmul huda were doing the last five years).

our bangabhaban correspondent further adds that ershad has not taken the allotment of portfolios well. specifically, he has demanded at least five ministries under his leadership, and has threatened to participate in the caretaker government by himself if his demand is not met by the chief adviser.