grandad

there’s a new air conditioner in my room.

while this may not sound too exciting, perhaps you are not aware of the rules governing our household. they are as follows:

1. the youngest son may not own anything that has been produced in the last decade.
2. the youngest son may not own anything that was produced in the decade in which he was born.
3. in case the youngest son requires some infrastructure, he will receive items that were produced over a decade before he was born.

this would explain why, until recently, i had a bookshelf from 1954, a desk from 1962 and a wardrobe from what, according to my best estimates, is from 1941. the old air conditioner itself was made in 1967, and i believe was one of the first 10 of these machines to be exported to bangladesh.

in response to this embargo on new furniture and fittings, i decided late last year that i would start purchasing new (i.e. produced in the 21st century) fittings for my room. hence, thanks to the wonder of mass-produced cheap furniture, i was able to replace the desk, wardrobe and bookshelf. however, my meager income did not stretch far enough to enable me to purchase a new air conditioner, so both myself and the ac struggled to keep my room cool every night.

that is, until about a week ago, when it decided to spontaneously stop working. not only that, it decided to take out the electrical infrastructure of the entire neighborhood, on what turned out to be the hottest night of the year. since it was 11 pm at night, the electric authority felt no urgency to repair it, and so the entire neighborhood spent the night sweating profusely.

anyway, being the eternal optimist/sadist/glutton for punishment that i am, i decided to try and make it work three nights in a row after this, with pretty much the same result. as a result, my entire neighborhood spent four days in a row sweltering in extreme heat, with no electricity to run their cooling equipment.

now you know why i don’t post my real name on this site. i’d probably be dead by now, if people figured out i was the cause for the electrical failure.

after four days of this, the paternal unit finally acceded to my request, and sent for a mechanic, who promptly informed me that there was no hope of the machine ever working again. mercifully, the ancient ac was removed and laid to eternal rest.

in its place was placed yet another ac. however, in keeping with the rules of the household, the replacement itself was from 1986. i actually remember when it was bought, and this in itself is quite amazing, since i barely remember much else from the same period.

this ac, however, while not exactly 40 years old, has its own set of problems. for instance, it makes the same noise as a mating female cricket, and since it is now spring, this means that the machine attracts almost all the horny male crickets in the country. i discovered this last night when i stepped outside on to the verandah for a cigarette and was immediately engulfed in a cloud of extremely excited and horny male crickets. and that, boys and girls, is why smoking is bad for the health.

if that wasn’t bad enough, the ac has nine temperature settings, from 1-9, where 9 is supposed to be the coolest. however, having experimented with all 9 settings, i’ve realized that the temperature settings are as follows:

1: really fucking hot
2: kinda hot
3: lukewarm
4: fucking freezing
5: fucking freezing
6: fucking freezing
7: fucking freezing
8: fucking freezing
9: fucking freezing

since complaining about this to the parental unit would probably result in the ac being replaced by a hulking, menacing creature from the 1970s, i’ve decided to knuckle up and try to live with it. hence, every night finds me wrapped up tight in 2 sweaters, 3 blankets and the thickest comforter i can lay my hands on.