an objective study

right now, all over the united states, countless eighteen year olds are taking part in the age-old magical coming-of-age ritual marking their transition from high school and their parent’s homes to the reaal, cruel world that is freshman college orientation.

and i hate it. why, you ask? because it’s evil.

right now, all over the united states, college freshmen are engaging in a dizzying array of hot sex. in an attempt to try and explain this phenomenon, i have conducted an objective study*, the results of which i will share with you here.

the primary reasons for this ourburst of prcoreation are outlined below:

• all eighteen-year olds are dumbasses anyway
• being apart for the first time from mommy and daddy, who they fight with constantly at home, causes the freshmen to be complete emotional messes
• puberty is still raging, and they haven’t gotten control over their raging hormones yet
• they meet many different people, often for the first times in their lives
• all eighteen-year olds are dumbasses anyway.

while the first and fifth points in the list above are extremely important and must be kept in mind, and the second and third points are undoubtably pointless to argue, let’s focus on the ever-important point number four. this is, indeed, the first time that many of these freshmen have met people who are completely different from themselves. as a result, they are easily impressed, and seek to solve the mystery of the people they meet by taking off their clothes and engaging in rampant orgies. some real conversation snippets may help us understand the situation better.

sometimes the differences arise because the individuals are from entirely different states.

her: hi, i’m from kansas.
him: hey, i’m from iowa.
her: wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

taking the geographical factor further, sometimes the distances are even bigger.

her: hi, i’m from america.
him: hi, i’m from [insert name of random west indian/african/asian nation here.] her: wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

often, the sexual situations arise because of different ideologies:

her: hi, i’m a conservative.
him: hey, i’m a liberal.
her: wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

or even due to differences in tastes and likes:

her: hi, i like britney spears and backstreet boys.
him: hey, i’m really moody and deep. i like radiohead.
her: wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

finally, the situations may be differences in lifestyles:

her: hi, i’m a deeply sheltered girl from the bible belt who fanatically attends church and loves all small creatures.
him: hey, i’m a free spirit who spends all my time riding around campus in a shopping cart/playing varsity sports/picking my nose and eating the debris/making a general fool of myself so that other people want to kick my ass.
her: wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

as the reader can easily grasp, the freshmen, who are left to their own devices for a week of fun and games before the pain of college classes actually begins, will engage in wanton and graphic sex at their earliest opportunity.

and this is only the case of freshman-freshman sex. let us not forget the diseased subsection of society known as the child molestors, composed of seniors who return to school early every year for the sake of getting some fresh freshman ass. these perverts come in two basic forms: the deep, dark and mature guy and the raging alcoholic.

for the deep, dark and mature senior, the challenge is not so much to seduce the freshmen as it is to appear to be utterly incomprehensible, thereby increasing the freshman’s opinion as to how cool they are:

deep, dark senior: freud’s oedipus complex theory has no attraction for me. instead, nietzsche holds much more appeal for me. did you know that nietzsche was an individualistic moralist rather than a systematic philosopher, and was influenced by schopenhauer and by his early friendship with richard wagner, leading him to passionately reject the “slave morality” of christianity for a new, heroic morality that would affirm life? leading this new society would be a breed of supermen whose “will to power” would set them off from the “herd” of inferior humanity. his writings, e.g., thus spake zarathustra (1883-91) and beyond good and evil (1886), were later used as a philosophical justification for nazi doctrines of racial and national superiority; most scholars, however, regard this as a perversion of nietzsche’s thought.
freshman girl: [has only understood the words attraction, philosopher, life, supermen, and scholar] wow. [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

the other subspecies of pervert is characterized by a stupor induced by excessive alcohol consumption, which gives them a permanently dazed look and an inability to separate the words of a sentence, leading to utter incomprehensibility. the characteristic of this subspecies that attracts the freshman ideology is the readily available supply of booze that seems to follow him around:

alcoholic senior: heybabyyouarereallyfuckinghot. maniamsodrunkoutofmyskull. god. fuck. youliketoparty? ilovetopartybabyallnightlong. damn, youarereallyfuckinghotandsexybaby. seethesemuscles? i’mafootballplayer, althoughmycoachsaysthatmybiggestmusclesliebetweenmyears! lol!!!! wantsomefreebeer?
freshman girl: wow [kissing, groping and fucking ensue]

clearly, the fault of this rampant sex that occurs during freshman orientation is not to be laid at the feet of the freshman, who are dumbasses and cannot help it, or at the feet of the senior males who prey on them, because god did curse them with a penis. instead, the fault lies wholly on the shoulders of the college orientation program.

having been involved to a pathetically great extent in several orientations at my college, i know for a fact that the sex education program for the freshmen is the most boring and pointless lecture ever contrived. going to college involves a world of different pressures, including adjusting to a new place, a habitat, new people and conforming to new standards, so who has the time, energy or mental capacity to sit through a long, boring session on the pitfalls of engaging in gratuitous sex? instead, something should be done to make these sessions more fun. for instance, the college authorities could enact a play, featuring dick, the sad and scared penis, and pussy, the scared and lonely vagina, who discover that the best way to overcome their problems in adjusting to the new environment, is to poke each other. enter trojan, the proud and brave condom, who, in the spirit of the “friends don’t let friends drive drunk” ads, inserts himself between the two and prevents an “accident” from happening. or, if that fails, scare the shit out of the freshmen. have pat robertson come to orientation and deliver a forceful lecture on the sins and evil of engaging in intercourse. for the muslims/jews/buddhists/atheists, have the same lecture delivered by a imam/rabbi/monk/satanic devil. make sure the lecture is really fucking loud, so they can’t fall asleep. or, better yet, provide every male on campus with free beer and porn, so he can take care of his raging hormones before he meets any women. and, as a last ditch effort, put hidden cameras in every dorm room so that after the freshmen have sex, you can broadcast the tape on the campus television channel for the general enjoyment of all.

this, of course, brings up the question of when is the right time for freshmen to engage in intercourse? the answer to that after the first week of classes. by this time, all freshmen should have met enough people to negate the potential hypnotizing effects of the various examples above.

so, if you are a parent thinking about putting your child in college, know now that, during orientation, your child will have sex, maybe even many times. unless they are butt ugly or severely lacking in social skills, in which case you never have to worry about them getting laid. instead, consider sending your child to religious school, like the seminary, where they can grow up so sexually frustrated that, after taking their holy vows, they molest children, but then you’ll be long dead and won’t have to worry.**

footnotes:
* by objective study, i mean based solely on my own opinion. if you disagree, that’s your problem.

**if, however, you have a daughter who closely resembles aishwariya rai/keira knightley/katie holmes/mena suvari, send them my way. the law of the land says that i can have up to four wives, as long as i love them equally. if your daughter looks like any of those four, i will.

appendix
a. n. pl. ap pen dix es or ap pen di ces
1a. an appendage.
1b. a collection of supplementary material, usually at the end of a book.
2. the vermiform appendix.
3. anatomy. a supplementary or accessory part of a bodily organ or structure.

b. it seems to me that, every year, ever since the movie american pie made it cool, more and more self-confessed band geeks seem to be coming out of the woodwork, and actually take pride in being band geeks. i remember when being a band geek used to be a confession of deep shame, akin to admitting to someone that you were gay/a pedophile/had genital warts/played varsity tetherball in high school. to all the hot, female band geeks (although i doubt that hot, female and band can ever be used in the same sentence), all i have to say is this: i have a really big flute – want to blow it?